Wrong Body

The Brain Sex Theory of Transsexualism and Autosexual Self-Loathing

I think an oft-overlooked aspect of why the brain sex narrative appeals to so many trans people (I will be mainly referring to MtF here due to personal experience, but similar concepts can likely be applied in the FtM direction) is that it allows us to feel less like a failure.

To quote Anne Lawrence: “To be an autogynephilic transsexual is to be deviant. To be able to think of oneself as a “heterosexual woman”—a woman attracted to men—allows one to feel and appear more normal.”

The above quotation is about meta-attracted AGPs in particular, but I think the desire to simply frame autogynephilic fantasies as products of having a female brain and as such you’re just having normal sexual desires for a woman to have, can be borne out of the desire to feel less like a freak.

I remember when I first exited transmedicalism and got into radical feminism, about 3 years ago, I was finally able to unravel the deep seeded self loathing I had for being a male with “feminine” sexual desires. I had, and still do have, an extremely deep internalized transphobia. It is difficult to tell what’s a product of my autoandrophobia (sex dysphoria), and what’s a product of conformist thinking.

I was always politically progressive and pro-LGBT, but I feel its easier to be progressive from the sidelines. For some reason, accepting yourself is always harder than just being kind to others. For many (I do not think I am alone here), accepting the sexual side of it proves especially daunting. This can apply to both homosexuals and autoheterosexuals, we have to accept that our sexual desires are not conducive for reproduction and serve no real biological purpose. We have to admit we want things just because we want them and because they give us pleasure. I’ve spoken about this feeling at length in the past with a lesbian friend.

If I’m just a female brain born into a male body, it means my sexual desires are normal. It means I can’t help the way I am. It means I’m not a sexual degenerate. It absolves me of blame, it absolves me of feeling like a failure, it absolves me of feeling disgusting.

I think these feelings of shame and self-disgust influence a lot of AGPs in denial (although autoandrophobia itself is the main factor). I think the appeal of being just a woman who happened to be born with the wrong body parts is to feel less broken. It feels so extremely broken to admit you’re a boy who just really wants to have breasts and a vagina and really wants to be desired in bed like a woman.

In a twist of irony, I don’t think my internalized transphobia is self-identifying as an autogynephile, but my prior refusal to acknowledge what I truly am. I still desperately want to be just a woman. The transfem, the sad autistic boy who wants to be a cute girl, is still a stereotype I deeply cringe at. I desperately want to be somehow above all the others, a real woman. This feeling will never truly go away, as it is at the core of autogynephilia, but I can face it more openly.